Allyship — My Plea as a Brown Female

In the wake of George Floyd and Ahmaud Arbery and Botham Jean and Sandra Bland and Trayvon Martin and Eric Garner and Philando Castile and Atatiana Jefferson … and SO many more. Too many more. Too many that I can’t remember the names without having to go look them up. I feel compelled to speak to the people that may share a similar background or experience as me. To ensure that we are each looking at ourselves in the fight toward true allyship of the black person living in America. This is not meant to shift the conversation to my narrative or our narrative. It is a plea for each of us to reflect on our role in the past and consider with compassion our role now.

How was your upbringing? Did you feel bullied by children at school because of your race / ethnicity? I’m guessing the answer is probably yes. Male or female. The answer is probably yes. I remember being called ‘Gandhi.’ I remember the white people flocking to their own. Black people flocking to their own. Brown people flocking to their own. And so on. There would be incidents as my brothers got older of being roughed up by cops on traffic stops and hearing comments of “Go back to your own country,” but life itself did not feel to be at risk. This was pre-9/11 of course. We have all lived through that result of racial profiling, Islamophobia, and permanent fear at airport security. But I do want to keep us on the American programming of our childhood and youth. So let’s maintain the lens of when we felt different, but not yet totally the Other…

I didn’t have the brown experience until I moved to Sugar Land, a southwest suburb of Houston, in 6th grade. Prior to that, I was living in a smaller town in California without the same diversity. It was much easier for me to have white friends and my one brown Hispanic friend. I was also not yet at an age where I was socializing much with friends outside of school other than sports. These were the days of the double identity — weekend desi dinner parties with families, creating friendships amongst kids who may not have been friends otherwise; Sunday School masjid, where many overlapped but also broadened the cultures to allow for Middle Eastern friends. My school persona didn’t talk about my at home identity. I played basketball, volleyball, ran cross country. I was pretty white. White enough to fit in. But I always knew we teetered a fine line. No pepperoni. Parents didn’t drink alcohol. Different cultural norms and limitations at home. My school friends didn’t have to witness all of that though. You can convince yourself you are just like them by day and return to yourself by night. In hindsight, it requires quite the maturity for a frontal lobe that is not yet nearly developed. As one grows into teen years, there is a creativity that takes place with bringing the two worlds closer together. Some basic scenarios are: choose to integrate the double identify aka bring your white friends home, maintain the double identity aka only hang at white friends’ houses and socialize far from your own home, Fuck it and choose to be friends with brown people that require minimal integration.

I slowly moved toward the latter. Rounding out high school though, I still maintained a mix and if I’m honest, felt some sort of worthiness that I was part of a selected popularity group that was shrouded in mentorship and volunteerism, i.e., PALS (Peer Assistance Leadership Service). Regardless, I was never denied any right based on the color of my skin or the language my parents spoke at home. The South Asian legal immigration access of the 1960’s and 1970’s is really unique. I won’t go deep into it here as you can easily research it, but I will tell you that it was not offered to others. It was offered to young adults, who were expected to be highly academic and in turn, translate to economic boosts for a capitalist society. They would also be used as the poster child for minorities achieving the American Dream. If THEY can do it, why can’t you? When did Latin American countries benefit from legal immigration policies similarly? Never. They became illegal labor that could not reap benefits of social security or health care. Why can Blacks not achieve the American Dream if the brown people could? Because their opportunities were systemically denied, starting with access to quality education.

What did this create? Division within minorities. Instead of a unified brown and black and yellow and green community. The minority communities were pitted against each other. And each sought the ultimate goal, to be white. We may not know it, but subconsciously everything we strived for in regards to education, job titles, where to buy a house, what car to drive, what restaurant to go to was driven by status and a need to achieve Whiteness. Who set that status? White people. They were just doing it for themselves. They are not paying any attention to us other than making sure too many minority groups don’t catch up. Keeping up with the Joneses is just that — climbing the ladder with the Joneses, who are totally white! For us, it’s more like Trying to Become the Joneses — strive to be white and move further and further away from who we are, what are roots are, who are ancestors are. Programming. And when I achieved all that I set out to achieve, all that our parents wanted us to achieve and worked so hard for us to be able to achieve, how do I feel? I feel unfulfilled. I can feel the singularity in being on an all white block. Our neighbors are lovely. That is not the point. But if I didn’t walk and talk and think like them, I would stick out like a sore thumb. So what do I do? I walk and talk and dress like them — I cannot think like them.

I cannot have ‘Back the Blue’ signs in my yard. I cannot talk about the looting as the first thought in all that is playing out and share messages of ‘stay safe.’ What I can feel and identify with is the oppression of black people. The generational oppression and the dehumanization of beautiful lives. It is intrinsically linked with the plight of the Palestinans. It is linked to Indian slavery by the British. So much genocide throughout human history: Jewish Holocaust, Native Americans, Rwanda, Bosnia, Crusades. But American racism toward black people. The mindfuck that it is. Slavery. Freedom. Jim Crow. Segregation. Integration. Bussing. Affirmative Action. Freedom? Inclusion? When? Young kids being taught within their four walls that black is less than. My 3-year-old daughter returning from pre-school with her princess coloring sheet scribbled with black face from a classmate. What would make another little girl reach over to color on my daughter’s paper with a black crayon until the teacher made her stop? The idea that she was doing something funny or silly or bothersome. Where did she get that idea? Because in subtle (or maybe not so subtle) ways, she learned that a face that is black is less than. That is America from a 3-year-old. Now let’s see America from an employer, from a police officer, from a judge. We have seen it. And too often it results in murder. In injustice.

So I ask you to reflect on your own feelings that boil up within you and confront them. Colorism in our own culture. Why? Our elderly parents fear of black men as they pass on the street? Why? Opinions on how the protests should take place. Why?

Will you learn to let Blacks lead? Lead their own fight? Will you ask how you can support vs lecture them on how they should feel? Will you judge their anger and outrage that may burn the whole place down if they want? Just think about that for a minute. And then ask it again. And think again. Repeat and rinse.

If any of your answers do not point toward honest allyship, then you are lucky you were born brown. You could’ve easily been born black. You definitely were not born white.