22 days Insta-free
Do goodbyes always have to be dramatic?
I can’t think of one goodbye in my life that was not Hollywood-esque. Not purely in the sappy romantic way, but in that ‘this is a moment’ way. The concept of goodbye itself is too finite compared to the reality.
The reality is it’s never really goodbye. More a ‘see you later.’ Or ‘see you in my dreams.’ Or ‘see you in my constant anguish.’ Or ‘see you in my beautifully repainted memories.’ Sometimes paths do cross again. Many times they do not. But the sayings that people and things come into your life to serve a purpose and teach you a lesson ring true. Those people or places or things are always there. You are made up of small etchings of them — it’s one big zero degrees of separation. Nothing ever goes away. That’s why the act of goodbye almost feels a farce.
I did it anyway. I said goodbye to Instagram and wrote a post to announce it 24 hours before I deleted my account. And here I am writing about my goodbye and reflecting on it.
The whole thing feels dramatic.
This is the one time I can remember in those seemingly conspicuous moments where I’m not viewing myself from the outside as if I’m watching myself in a movie. No part of me desired drama in my decision to delete this one social media handle. It was not related to a break-up or a reaction to a post I felt foolish over. I was making a choice that felt right in my gut, and 22 days later, I’m quite proud of myself.
My head is quieter; I’m consuming what I like and what I want based on my own time management and interest. It all sounds so simple. Hello, I’m a grown adult. No one was controlling me before. But I did not feel in charge by the time we reached this point of 2020.
Some mixture of the removal of my real-life social component compounded with the heaviness of all the issues of the world resulted in the decision to delete the platform entirely. If I write, I want to hear my own thoughts. If I shop, I want to gravitate to my own style. If I eat, well I love food recommendations, but I want to enjoy it for myself versus contemplating if it should be captured and showcased for others. Same goes for travel, kids, all of it. And then layer must post or have an opinion on every social justice issue that was cracking open at the most rapid pace became too much. The pressure of curating myself and watching others in an obvious curation was an energy drain.
Prior to the pandemic, I found Instagram light and fun and enjoyed the beauty it offered. The visual beauty. Gosh, I’ve seen some stunning imagery. But when I started turning to it in place of true human elements, I began leaning toward the darkness of comparison. I realize that many people have battled with loneliness before these times, and social media may have always felt that way to them — watching others lead such beautifully curated lives creating a despair within — but this was a new feeling for me, and I didn’t like it. Of course the consumerism laced through everything had become suffocating in itself, like one big advertisement.
The isolation of this year and mainly the exhaustion — mentally, emotionally, physically — forced me to take the reins back. There will be new social media giants to rise, and it will be fun to learn new things and find new ways to connect. But as soon as it feels exhausting, it will be time to reassess priorities.
My pride stems from the awareness of these feelings. For not ignoring them and doing something about it to adjust the quality of my life. I’ll have to actually reach out to friends to chat and hang out versus assuming I know what’s going on with them through swipes. I think we all wholeheartedly prefer that. But which friends, right? How many?
The glory of zeroing in on where your time and energy should be invested.
How quickly will I lose touch with those I am not connected to via social? That’s perfectly ok. It doesn’t equate to not caring or liking a person. There’s only so much of ourselves we can share, and I feel empowered to be in the decision making seat again. Like riding a bike, it comes naturally, just may be a bit wobbly at start.
Now for the real theatrics, here is my farewell post I shared on October 3rd before I researched how to permanently delete an IG account and hit ‘CONFIRM’:
I bid adieu to you.
This moment has simmered in me for some time. I no longer feel joy in what was once beautiful imagery and creative content. So it’s time to move on.
I’ve discovered some life altering people through IG and am forever grateful for those learnings. I’ve built on connections with people that may have remained acquaintances and are now a DM and an emoji away to share a chuckle or validate the outrage.
But I want to be with my own thoughts instead of being bombarded by others’. I’m especially drained by the conformity.
The years I lived in NYC, there was the season of the ‘It’ bag. I fondly remember the excitement of the motorcycle bag, spotting it on the streets in different colors and sizes. But there was still so much individuality to soak in. It was everywhere.
Of course, access and mass manufacturing and all that is in play. Now the ‘It’ is top to bottom, and it spans from Oakland to Kentucky.
Perhaps it has to do with living in Dallas, which has likely been the capital of conformity well before the social media age. But instead of the escape I used to get flipping through Vogue as a teenager in my suburban Houston home, here somehow there is less space to dream. And the ugly truth of comparison is real.
The discourse falls into the same pattern for me as well. I realize it’s a polarized world, but I’d rather deal with it out there. It’s baffling that the word ‘authentic’ can even feel icky.
Beyond the lace of frustration is the overwhelming feeling of great appreciation and love for how I HAVE been stimulated through this platform: @the.holistic.psychologist for shining a light and validating me, @mendeluk & @shayoon for healing and course correcting my journey, @rachel.cargle for the fiery knowledge and purity of experience, @eyeswoon for the serenity, @rachellehruska for her action, @untilfreedom & @tamikadmallory & @lsarsour for model warriors, @chrislovesjulia and so many home design handles for all the curation, @spiritdaughter for the grounding. The fitness and food! So much fun stuff. Thank you. And to my personal friends, who I’ve watched spread their wings and grow their passions here — I’m proud of you.
I will continue to follow all these amazing interests through their own channels. And text me cute pics of the kids please! That I’ll miss.
I’ll practice on @Medium. I’m still intellectually stimulated by @Twitter, which is insanity! I’ve always loved conversation and have hope it’s still there. You can find me Shaista Ali @shastyali if you notice yourself missing me. Just a needle in the haystack. I love y’all.
Peace. Love. Light.
